Dear Rachel?

*In an attempt at sattire, the following is completely fictitious and has no bearing on current events. Or does it?*

I recently received a letter from the UN asking for advice on how to force the United States to close its Guantanamo Bay prison facility. I shall post my response here:

Dear United Nations Human Rights Council,

Esteemed members, I was deeply gratified to receive your letter of yore and would consider it a great honor to advise your future actions.

First, since you really hold no legal sway over the United States, you’ll have to use persuasive tactics in order to bring Washington around to your noble motive. As history has proven time and time again, it is the people of the United States who really run the show. Thanks to a lack of accurate civic and historical education over the last sixty years, it’s not terribly difficult to make Americans think their country stinks, even if it really doesn’t. So you’ll have to present your case to the court of American public opinion before the American government will pay any attention to your cries. Americans have always responded to the calls of justice and equality. Those should be your sticking points.

Second, the American press is your best friend. Since the Nixon scandals, the press has become an enlightened member of the elite society who really knows what’s going on in the world. They tend to agree with us on Bush’s real status as a dictator even though the rest of America has not recognized it yet. They still enjoy scooping one another; so keep the various newspapers in the highest state of anticipation about your report through as many strategic ‘leaks’ as possible. Remember, the object is to convince the American people. With utmost respect to the members of the Council, reports that stretch longer than ten pages and contain l larger words than two syllables are generally considered very dull. But if a reputable paper, such as the New York Times, the LA times, or the Washington Post (?) has been dangling juicy bits of scandal and intrigue, you’ll have them all right where they need to be. Ready to pound down the great doors of Congress and pull apart the White House in order to achieve justice.

Finally, remember that there is strength in numbers and something that has been said once definitely bears repeating. Just because the allegations of naked prisoners, flushed Korans, and the denial of trial have already been propagated before is no reasons not to repeat them in stronger force. Yes, the US has already responded to these attacks, but it’s been said that if you repeat a thing often enough, the people will believe it; that my friends, is your ultimate goal.


I hope this missive has been helpful to you as you lay your plans for the onslaught. Just remember to keep the press one step ahead of the Republicans and don’t worry so much about the truth. As the honorable Albert Gore Jr., the one who invented the internet, once said: : “When the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.”


Best Wishes,


Rachel



P.S. In the unlikely event your campaign to remove GTB from the list of US prisons backfires, change the subject to Iran.